I suck at completing my 'to-do' lists. I did one thing on it today. One. I sold some stuff at Plato's and then bought myself some cds with the moolah...I'm excited about my Nada Surf album, and bought some classic Cars. Sweet.
I like to eat. This kind of sucks, as I want to get in shape. So I've resorted to cooking lots lately, and it's been fun. I made a sweet n' sour meatball dish with rice in the crockpot last night, which turned out real good. Also some homemade chicken pot pie, and tonight, some salmon and fettuccine alfredo with broccoli. Yum! Now I'm sittin' here thinkin' about my macadamia nut/almond/pecan pie I made. There's one piece left, and I'm no longer hungry, but I want it just the same. Kinda ticked at my mom cause she got me some white chocolate cookie bites for Christmas that I didn't think I wanted but, whoops! I put them in the fridge and now they're irresistable. My freezer is packed full of frozen fruit to make lots of smoothies. I wish eating healthy wasn't so expensive though! Anywho, I think one and all should pray for my motivation for the new year. I have zero. For anything but a job. Mmmm...check ya later! p.s. man I need a skateboard!

All ya'll should check this out. http://www.barna.org/FlexPage.aspx?Page=BarnaUpdateNarrow&BarnaUpdateID=177
Too sad. I plan on praying and thinking over some things like fasting, tithing, and music piracy.
Some thoughts: though I believe in tithing I have failed to do it consistently for 4 and a half years of my 5 as a Christian; I think illegally downloading music is wrong yet I still own about two or three mix cds of music I didn't buy (ugh, this can get confusing as a member of my family is the one who copied them for me~is this still wrong since he is a family member?...is it okay for ANY member of a family to share music or does each individual member of the family need to own his or her own bought copy of the music?...is the line drawn at one's immediate family? etc. etc.~will someone please explain this to the masses *ahem, I mean very few* who would like to cease playing pirated music but have no real understanding of the boundaries?) And dude, I never fast anymore. I was praying Monday night and felt like I should fast Tuesday(not as in I felt myself into thinking that I needed to...nope, pretty sure it was God) but I completely forgot and didn't do it.
Anyways, please forgive me if I seem short, quiet, withdrawn, cynical and snobby in my conversation, etc., lately. I am trying to work through a lot with God right now, realizing that a pit of putrid bitterness has slowly dripped into my heart and working with Him (er, letting Him work on me with jovial hammer to break my heart) to let that truth sink in and let Him remove my sin.
As a sidenote, I felt like not using the word "God" or capitalizing "Him" throughout this post for some reason because I did not want to 'offend' anyone...but honestly, I don't care. It doesn't matter! This is really what I believe, folks, and if that 'offends' you so bad, please refrain from reading my blog. Really. My purpose is not to anger anyone. Then again, maybe no one who doesn't agree with me reads this, so it doesn't matter. Either way, there's my 'disclaimer,' if you will.

P.S. Go make a donation to the American Red Cross for disaster relief in Thailand, Indonesia, etc. at Amazon.com if you've got $5 or more to give in that fat American wallet of yours...they've already raised more than 2 million!

Man, I need to leave to go scoop some ice cream for people here pretty soon. SUCKY! Anyways, so, does anyone else like Q-tips as much as me? Didn't think so.

Lately I'm kinda wondering why I have such a negative mixture of feelings (guilt, shame, embarrassment, dumbness) associated with my desire to get married. Yeah, pretty sure that's not the way Jesus wants me to feel about it. I love my married friends and I've been talkin' to them about it a bit recently, what it's like, is it the weirdest thing ever (what I imagine it would be) or is it the most natural thing in the entire world? Hmmm....the answer so far is,"It's the most natural thing in the world to me." I got to listen to my best pal Moo's husband tell us stories about his high school days in a Chicago suburb (which, btw, is worlds apart from going to school in the *real* Midwest...i.e. Kansas, MO) and it was so funny cause I realized how they get to learn about each other every day. That's pretty cool.

I feel so bad for my friends that are all still in school, stressing out about finals. Every semester ending just seems like some torturous experiment to see how much students can take, especially seniors. I think it's kinda cruel. It's also cruel what we (I) do to ourselves....ahem, procrastination. At least, that's what I always did and boy, oh, boy, did I regret it at semester's end. You see, though, I don't know that I actually am capable of doing things way ahead of time. I have always used the excuse that I work better under pressure. Yeah, right. This discussion also relates to my chronic lack of motivation to change. I wonder when I will be cured of this disease? Mmmm...I hope it's soon.



"I have a lot of kitchen images."
"Stop making your book dance!!!"~Loganisms

"I think he means, 'Indigenous-ness..."~Josh Goeke

Just found out today that The Last Unicorn is being made into a live-action film in New Zealand and is due to come out in 2006 or 2007. Oooh! I just checked out the book to read yesterday...I've never read it, but the cartoon flick was one of my favorite movies growing up.

Man, I have a perpetually runny nose right now. I have a head cold. It feels definitively like winter now that I have a cold. I don't mind colds so much, though. They aren't nearly as bad as strep throat or giardia (the two things I had last winter.) Yeah, look up giardia. It's not fun. Especially when you don't even go to the doctor and have to sit it out for a week. I just put a safety pin on my kitty Lily 'cause she was showing too much with her hot pink and gold outfit. He he. Hey, thanks Logan, for posting that I snort when I laugh. Not cool. And thanks for inspiring me to get up get up this morning. I am still up. I am going to apply for some stuff here soon. My eyes keep watering, dang it! It's funny trying to sing when I have a cold. Please pray for my finances. I have to start paying back my school loans this month. I have virtually no income at this point in time. Oh well. I 'll make it somehow. I really wish I could go here this winter. Mebbe it will snow this afternoon. That'd be lovely. I love thermal shirts, even though they are itchy. Thanks, Dana. :) Ah, I'd best be off.

I find it interesting that iTunes (oh yes, the iTunes) already does not have anything on about 5 cds I've tried to look up. Oh, yes. Not so happy about that. No, no. I am going to have to resort to calling up my mom to ask her if I can borrow the TAPE for a few weeks. But, hey, I won't have to buy anything, because one of the cd's does not exist for sale anywhere online, except an LP. Uh huh. Like that's convenient. Like I want to carry around a record player and a record. I'm sorry, but vinyls are not that cool. They sound cool, but, uh, where am I supposed to get a working record player nowadays? Do I need to resurrect my Big Bird/Sesame Street one? I don't even know where the bugger is. I guess it also looks cool to have vinyls in one's house along with the record player; but no, sorry, I'm not jealous. I would rather have a cd. I really don't know how to go about hooking up a record player to record a cd into another format either. I'll have to leave that up to someone else. I mean, is there a book that tells one how to do that? Is there even such a thing? (I'm positive there is.) Hmmm. This reminds me of my dad's mistake of not teaching me the basics of hooking up electronics. I asked him to show me a couple of summers ago, but he didn't seem to think it would be needed or even be difficult. Since then, I have run into at least 5 (probably more) situations where that kind of know-how would have been helpful.

Alas, I remain a tv-to-vcr-to-nintendo-to-xbox-to-dvdplayer-to-soundsystem-to-whatever virgin.

I suck.

Hmmm...once again, God has totally provided, in miraculous and unexpected ways.

My heart is gladdened by the prospect of carving my pumpkin tonight in a Homestar-ish fashion. There are other things my heart is saddened/gladdened by at the present moment...I think it is amazing how God speaks to us through other people...it's like He's telling us,"Hey, I really am here, with you. I hear and know your inmost being, your deepest thoughts. You can trust me to mend your heart. You can trust my will and my sovereignity." I just want His glory, really. That's all I want. The things that I think I want matter nothing compared to Him recieving glory and honor and praise. And He can recieve that in actions and lack of actions, I believe. Just like we can commit sins of omission as well as commission.

Mae has a new cd coming out soon, and another in 2005. Talk about happy. I mean, I am way more excited about this than I was even for the Jimmy cd. I love Mae. Destination Beautiful has the rare, and I mean rare, ability to make me super duper ecstatically happy. It did that to Logan, too, the other day, when she decided to listen to it during her day at campus. She came home and told me that she didn't know if the music was responsible, but that it seemed to make her day much brighter. Yeah! Music does that sometimes. Usually though, music in combination with a memory-forming moment is the most bestest.

Yesterday as I was driving down south National to apply somewhere, I was listening to Tom Petty and the sky was perfectly Scottish (meaning the there was dispersed lighthing, as Andrew Dour and I used to comment) and the wind was not necessarily blowing, but stirring in such a way that it was causing the leaves to fall off of the trees and rise and fall in poetic motion...and this combined with the wind blowing my hair around through the open car window and the particularly fun song on my cd and the smell and coolness of the air created a very worshipful moment. I was definitely fully aware of the beauty, grace, and constant presence of God in that space and time, and I know that the smile that alighted on my face was being given back through every possible sensory device that I own, and given back to my heart.

Check out Glen and Paula's site for new pictures of their beautiful baby Dana! oh boy, that made my night...

I tried to make home-made pizza tonight...it was a horrendous failure. I am sitting here eating pizza-slop now. yay. I hate pizza dough.

I'm happy. I'm wearing shiny silver ballet-like slipper shoes. My dad and I are going to do something fun on this blessed Sabbath day after I clean up my 'room,' or the 'parlor;' the living room area that has served as my personal 'space' for three months. I indulged in a Java Chip Frappuccino after church, and the guy at the counter was nice enough to say, "So...how's your Sunday been going so far?" And I said,"Huh?..oh, great!! Really good! How about yours?" And he said,"You know, it's been alright, for working and all."
I am also happy cause I ran 4 miles yesterday to "A Thought Crushed my Mind" and it flew by and it was actually fun. Hmmm...running...fun? You know what is super cool that I discovered on my cross-country trip? If you let the last song go, you will discover that there is a completely unexpected techno song at the end of that cd. Something I never would have known had I continued to borrow the cd or even resorted to getting a burned copy.

One thought that makes me kinda sad...when am I gonna get to go surfing again? WAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Another thought I have been thinking for some time now...it would be really fun to be a construction worker or restorative construction worker. I think fixing up houses would be so fun. I especially think that fixing up poor people's houses in the inner city using money I raised for such a ministry would be the best thing ever. Just a thought.

Ummm, not that I fully understood what Atom or RSS are when I read about them on that link, but I did what it said to do, and hopefully, Glen, it worked. I think it is something that will help you read my blog through your Palm, but one can never be too sure when one is quite idiotic about these computer html-blah-blah things. I'm sure such ppl as MOo or Phil understand, but me...nah. Went right over my head (mostly.) Anyways...

I miss everyone. I heard tales of the move-in with the golf carts, and the BBQ with the new location and the ultimate frisbee galore (or just a small pick-up game, but that still creates some envy within) and the getting back to class, which was fun, because it was a tale of the classic IDS class, and that class is so extremely different from every other class I took at SMS it is unbelievable. First off, you are forced to get to know each other. Second, everything you learn is related to learning stuff in school. Third, I didn't do any of the things I learned in that class, at all. Motivation comes from...well, not my will or determination. Nope, I am not really aware of any method to motivate that actually has really ever worked for me. The only thing that motivates me comes from somewhere deep inside, where I can't identify it or place it or write up a list of 1, 2, 3 steps to repeat it...no, I think God does it.

I was just at Blockbuster dropping off LOTR 3 when I saw the latest Rolling Stone cover, and I realized that I have an announcement to make:
Rolling Stone and MTV and all other like entertainment providers, I am SO over you. You're like my ex-boyfriend who, after we broke up, manipulated me into thinking that continuing an affair would satisfy me or bring me commitment. The entertainment you value is unoriginal, overtly and almost constantly sexual, and more like sloppy 22nds than anything satisfying. You are overused and old, and recycle just about everything several times before you declare it 'uncool,' only to resurrect it two years later. You plant an unattainable goal of what you call "beauty" in all of your audiences souls, and provide nothing to abate it. I hate your not-so-subtle political over/undertones (always far left) and 'greater than thou' attitude. I am on a mission to get all of my friends who are still messing around with you cause it seems like it will be fun to wake up and just end the relationship. Your entertainment is driven by lust, and lust NEVER satisfies. You fuel stereotypes and our idolatry of actors and musicians and even athletes. You make me sick and before I cut off my ties with you, I had to experience days of apathy and sickness after viewing your entertainment to help me see that you fed me poison. You are disgusting and I pray that more and more people in America realize that you are part of the real-life matrix in this world.

So...I just saw baby Dana Marie the last two days, Glen and Paula's new addition to the Davis family. Man, is she cute. And man, did I get some good pictures, especially the ones I took this morning of Glen talking all sophisticated-like, as he does, about very interesting things, as always, while holding her in front of him, looking like a little baby-faced contributor to the conversation. Very cute. It was just too short. Always too short. But maybe someday, it won't be too short of a time with them. They are so dear to me and have been such a huge influence on me throughout my Christian walk, teaching me all of the most important lessons in one's life as a Christian. They are awesome, and I hope that someday I am rich just so I can give them and Joe and Jayne tons of money for their ministries. That'd be cool. Otherwise, I will just be poor cause I will be in ministry myself. He he. But not poor in spirit! Or maybe, I will want to be, cause the poor in spirit will be blessed, and hey! that's kinda fun to be blessed.

So the story is I went to Lake Tahoe to meet up with Glen and Paula and some other campus ministers and Chi Alpha heads, just a few, to hang out and relax and talk. We stayed at a very nice lodge sorta place, right on the lake, and I finished Lord of the Rings for the third time yesterday sitting by the lake's crystal clear waters. Yeah, I cried again at the end. I'm a sap. I am becoming more and more into it as I go. One of the things I feel strongest about, though, is that I want to start painting and drawing scenes from the books one of these days. Like, take my time and make something awesome that I read about in the books. I want to begin with a thorough map of Middle-Earth, that I can make really big so that when I read it again (and again) I can just look up and see where it is, instead of fishing around through the small (but still wonderful) multiple maps in the back of the book. That would be great. Okay, well, now I am going to finish watching the Return of the King, which I rented on Sunday.

p.s. the kingdom of Heaven is awesome!!!

I am so tired I am just sitting here, staring at the screen, with my mouth hanging open.

Is there a nice thunderstorm brewin' in Springfield? If there was, I would hate you, cause I want one. I love the smell there after it rains. It is very different here in Reno. A couple of weekends ago, I came home from swim lessons, turned on the Tour de France's last stage, and kind of dozed on and off for about two hours. When I was slipping back into conciousness, I realized that it was raining outside and that there was actually cloud cover, and it was cool and there was thunder rumbling over my head. Oh, I loved it! I was so happy. It's too sunny here. Honestly. And personally, I love rain and clouds and thunder and stuff. But the smell after, although good, was not as good as Missouri's. Here, it's kind of a musty smell. It's weird. Not really clean. Like you rinsed off a pair of muddy shoes with water but when they dried up they were not fresh and clean but sweaty and still very dirty and dusty. I'm glad God invented rain. It's fabulous!

Being able to confess and repent to God is huge. It's a big deal.

Being able to suck it up and apologize to another human being, especially a non-believing one, is another deal. It takes humility. It sucks up your pride. It makes you feel small and sad. But I think that it teaches us so much about God and forgiving ourselves and having confidence in the fact that God Himself has forgiven us and loves us, and we will answer to Him, not the other person we harmed, in the end. It reminds us that everything we thought or uttered will be showcased someday. It reminds us that when we bow down at His feet, we will all be sinners. Every one of us. And then the time will come for some of us to go home, and some of us to go to the place that we all deserve for our sin. And Jesus will be the Judge of that.

Quote of the day:"One of the smarter dumb movies I've seen in a while..." A.O. Scott, about the movie I, Robot.

Ah, me. Just finished book three of Lord of the Rings. I'm takin' it nice and slow, finally. It's soooooo good.

So there's this 'event' during the month of August called "Hot August Nights," during which the whole of Reno's casino parking lots are filled with old restored cars. Cool. I hope I get to go at least a few times!

Life is so strange and twisting and winding. I remember Mr. Joe Z one time saying that God's pathways aren't always perfectly straight; no, in fact, as I recall him saying, they are curving and winding and sometimes go backwards and zigzaggy and stuff. He doesn't mean that the way to Heaven is twisty-turny (Matthew 7:13-14), but that God's will for our personal pathways can be. Everything isn't always crystal-clear; everything doesn't always work out how we planned it, and that's why life requires faith. It requires a step out into the unknown, which in itself demonstrates a heart desiring to find out if that first step was a step into the 'right' direction--a direction that God wills. I am finding out more and more that I need to live by the Spirit, not the flesh. There are two desires fighting within me. But sitting around feeling bad about myself because I don't automatically do the right things all the time because I am not perfect inside is not going to change me. Doing what I know is right despite desiring to sin inside will help me change. Of course, it is God's work. But like I said before, this sort of acting oneself into doing the right thing is an act of faith in the belief that I profess, which is that God has made me new and clean and a new creature, a child of God. (1 John 2: 28-3:10; specifically 3:4-10) And that, my friends, is way cool. Let us live by grace. Let grace be, as Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, the answer to the equation, and not the data for the equation. Something huge that I learned in Mammoth (and keep forgetting) is that I do not always believe that I am a child of God; therefore, no wonder I do not behave as one! But if I believe in what He says I am...a child of God and no longer Adam's flesh...well then, why should I not behave as one!

Okay, I'm mad. I just got a long email from my South African friend who is and will be in Scotland for, hmmph, at least another year. Swimming and biking and cleaning toilets and canoeing and riding horses and planning snowboard trips to Aviemore and Switzerland and sharing the gospel is her daily life. I WANT TO GO TO SCOTLAND, WAAAAHHH!!!! Oh well. What can I do about it now? Nothin.

Please pray for me on this....I rode my bike by this awesome 1 bedroom unit in a nice neighborhood and I called them right away...I would love to live in that exact spot...so I need favor, money, and a good rental price. That'd be great. And thanks for the commentaries! I like/love you guys too!

Man, I really like No Doubt.  I mean, they are good.  I like how they morph all the time, and how they have trumpets in their songs.  That's awesome.  I also like The Pyronauls.  They are a rad surfing band.  You should check 'em out.  I also like The Album Leaf.  I also like The Mars Volta.  No, those are not links.  I don't know how to do that yet. 

I hate running.  I am going to go do it now anyways.  I also like The Cars. 

Glen posted a really funny comment; you should scroll down and see it. 

Oh mi gosh I need need need to go surfing soon!!!! I will die if I don't.  Okay, maybe I won't die....but I really really want to go.  It is absolutely unbelievable feeling. 

I'm random, I know.

Thanks for such a beautiful talk last night, Logan.  And thank You for an even better one, Jesus!

Me an' my bro..
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I know why Dana hates Xanga...but Blogger's been pretty good to me.  I just read some crazy wacko xangas after checking out a xanga Dana told me about...man. 

People are just like bombs ready to explode; and the detonator is the word, "Jesus." 

Scroll down a lot...I obviously figured out how to post pics to my site!

Everyone seems to have no originality, so they resort to doing covers or re-mixes of songs by none other than The Cure.  And mostly songs from Disintegration.  Which is a fabulous cd, and I would highly recommend it over all the remakes.  And you will get to hear the original "Love Song" and "Fascination Street."  C'est tres superb.

My house in Kansas, with new driveway...sniff sniff.
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My lovely little sis' with new hair.
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Hot/pink Logan and blurry Wayne
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Yup, I'm gradiatin'! (sp, I know)
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Kawissa...always too adorable and too pink. (not really)
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Prince Ionius and andrew's first nintendo duck-hunting gun.
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Two cuties...Dana and Kristin
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the dour
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Dana in yellow
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Yeah. I'm tired. Purty gross. (Arriving in Reno before moving to Mammoth, Dec 17th 03)
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Ransom in his new Spy's.
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Dad and Ransom eating a 28 dollar lunch for 14 bucks...yum! We also saw Rob Lowe eating chili that day too.
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My dad in front of my mountain.
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Yup, the snow was THIS deep
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View from the top (in the gondola.)
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Yo, yo, yo...Ransom and I preparing to ride
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Air guitar on an icicle.
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On the way home in Mammoth...winter wonderland
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In front of my apt in Mammoth
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Guess what?!!!!! We found Cici!!! I am so happy I could cry! Praise God! These people down the road found her wandering on a main road close to our house, Mayberry, and had to coax her with a piece of chicken to come, and she's been scaring all of the cats in their house for five days! I don't know how they found out, but Doug called the people and they asked us to describe her collar, and he was like,"well, she wasn't wearing one..." and Tim goes,"Tell 'em she has a bad hip.." and he said that and they go, "Yup, it's yours!" cause they were leery about letting anyone else have a pure bred dog, ya know!? Yay!!! Thank you for your prayers!

I thought I would write a quote I wrote down earlier today, from a little 5 or 6 yr old at work. It made me laugh so hard! I was making her Barbie doll talk in an English accent and ask her for some tea, and when she said no and Barbie (Greena, because she wears a green outfit; how appropriate!) said, "Well, why not?" she replied, shouting:

"...be-cause, I'm too small to make tea!"

Oh, that made me laugh! I just adore kids. They are such treasures. I also adore their tv viewing preferences, such as Spongebob Squarepants, Fairly Oddparents, and Jimmy Neutron. Hilarious! Great shows.

Something to pray for...one of our Jack Russell terriers got out of the fenced-in front yard two nights ago because she was scared of the fireworks my retarded (not always, but that night) cousin was shooting off with his friends, and we have not seen her since. We are fearing the worst...a neighbor came over today and brought us brownies and told us that coyotes still roam around at night. Cici is a teeny one too, and has a messed up hip, so she's not as fast as a normal Jack Russell. She is insanely smart too, and I know she would have found her way home by now. She's also so cute that anyone would take her in. She wouldn't keep a collar on so she's not wearing one of those valuable things either. I won't lose hope, but...I miss her. I love dogs, too. She was my new baby, in a way! And her sissy Tess misses her too. Her pal isn't around to play with anymore. :(

Mmmmm....my brother just woke up to get ready for his graveyard shift, and is blasting Candlebox from his stereo, which reminds me of like, '94.

Work is really good. I like the people there and it's quite laid back. Cute kids, too. I re-racked the weights in the weight room today...man that took a while! I am finishing my first Scotland trip scrapbook, and it makes me sad. There are pictures of dreams I used to have, and people I dearly love...

I am sad. I am a complex creature, as my dad said yesterday. I broke down. I am hurting because I haven't been taking time with the Lord for about 2 months...the thing that sucks most is knowing that I KNOW that that is why I am torn up inside. Being broken is good...but, it stings the eyes and heart and cuts deeper than I'd like. I miss moments and words and looks and touches and gazes and curly, brown hair and 'being' and sounds and smells and hazy streetlights and the rain and the fellowship and the coffee and the laughter and the piercings and the tattoos and the guitar playing and the music blasting and the 2 a.m. talking and the quiet bike rides home and the way Springfield's gutter system doesn't work. I miss the trees and the tears and the flip flops and the pink and the stars and the prayer and the jam sessions and the nicknames and the dimming of the lights and the closing of the eyes and the opening of the mouth in worship. I miss the smell of your hair and the cry in your voice and the unexpected grins on your face and the freckles on your eyes and the stars on your belt and the studs on your wrist and the 'smart and dumb' on your shirt and your open heart and door. I miss you, my dear, true friends. All of the things that make you you.

If Jesus were to come down to the American church today, I'm sure He'd say, "What's up with you guys and coffee?"
~random thought I had today on my ride home

I just thought I would let you all know first off that, if you ever read Phil's website thing, Jason is not real. I repeat, Jason is NOT REAL. Alright, now that that is clarified....

Well, God's blessing me although I am not doing so to Him. I just got a 40 hour a week 8-4 job! At my same job! Just switched from working only weekends (blech, on Sundays!) 14 hrs a week to working Monday through Friday! Yes! And this all just happened this morning right after I had been sitting down filling out about 5 or 6 applications, getting ready to go turn them in this afternoon, wondering how the heck I was going to manage having three jobs or even get a third job when I can't work weekends and I don't even know what my Y schedule will be. Then I get a call and get to work at the place I've already started for 40 hours a week! Wow! Awesome! I can't believe I hesitated and waited to give them an answer! I have wanted a 9-5 or 8-4 job forever, and it is even at a fitness club, and so now I have no excuse for not getting into shape! And the Y still wants me to teach swimming on Saturday! Yes! And three of the cutest kids in the world told their mom yesterday that they wanted me to baby sit for them! Yay! And I finally wrote a song again! Yay...oh, I was just talking about how I can't write songs the last blog huh? Well, I meant that I can't write songs that are more complicated than, "La la la (C, D, G)" and "Blah blah blah (F, G, Am)." There's a good example. So it's no big deal, it's just that it's been a long time since I have been able to have music with the words comin' out of my head, and been able to put it down and freakin remember it, even though it is yet another simple, boring one. No one will want to hear it, and it's not very entertaining, and...but...it's about God, so that's all I care.

Man, why does everyone but me seem to know what God's calling them to do? I mean... Logan, I'm so happy for you!
I am so sick of everything always being all about me. I think about myself way too much, my problems, whatever.

So here I am, in Reno, Nevada, the "biggest little city in the world," my only friends my family, no direction, no church community (yet), no clue why I am here instead of Mammoth, no idea as to what I am supposed to be doing, or if I am even supposed to be here or if I am really supposed to be somewhere else, wondering if I am really in God's will. No one seems to want to give me another job so I am just not really doing much at all on the weekdays. I was going to go job hunting today but my brother is still out with the car, and it doesn't look so professional when you go job hunting on your bike and come in all sweaty, carrying your seat and helmet, asking for an application. There are no jobs in Parks and Rec here that are not lifeguarding or landscaping jobs right now.

There is a place
with air so thin you can hardly breath
a deep purple sky
and a mountainous view
but I can't get there
I don't know how to climb
There is a place
with sun so near you're blinded by it
the arc of a rainbow
and a thunderous roar
but I can't get there
I don't know how to fly
There is a place
with water so deep you're afraid of it
an everchanging landscape
and an enveloping blue
but I can't get there
I don't know how to sail
There is a place
with forests so wet you can taste it
an invisible abundance
and a thriving green
but I can't get there
I don't know how to explore
There is a place
with a love so strong you're overwhelmed by it
unimaginable color
and a forgiving spirit
but I can't get there
I don't know how to die.

I looked through all of our families old photos last night until 3 in the morning, after 12 hours of driving.
feeling like...
I answer with a restless ok but I'm about to blow when You're gone
I keep this to myself a restless ok but I fear the dawn
I've never been afraid to hide up in the dark
It's the first morning stream of pure light that makes me rather swim with the sharks
And it'll make me say I'm ok even though it hurts more if I stay
and I'm ok, yes I'm ok, if that'll make your questions go away

I'm a vampire, I'm afraid the Light will set me on fire

I'm cold in a way I just want to stay
and I'm cold this way

Reckon I'll close the door
Pull down the curtains stay close to the floor
Mercy is for the weak, we do not train to be merciful here
Mercy is everything I fear, we do not train to see His mercy here

Crawling again
the heart is screaming with a smile
Pride says no because of the stain
the heart pounds for love, pride says no
Because of what the heart is longing for
I'm not sure I want to be a man anymore

this choice i've got to make I've got to make alone
A heart of stone
this choice I've got to make
I've got to make it true
A heart broken in two (blindside)


i long for brokenness

I need prayer. Not just for everything to "work out." For miracles. For life changes. For healings. For God's kingdom to become manifest through me, somehow. I need faith. I need direction. I need Jesus.

God is so good. He answered SO many prayers just this last week, and I have been so blessed by it. I got to go surfing--Yee-haw!! O man, it was sooo fun. One of the best times of my life. Last Sun. nite, after church, I figured out a ride with Tara, and my friend Sean Mc and her dog, Cindar. We rode down to Bishop, which is about 45 minutes away, in a caravan with the pastor and his new motor home and a couple other cars. In Bishop we stopped at T-Bizzy (which I haven't had in months and it was good despite the pain in my tummy) and a gas station. I went to look at the motor home and it was so nice and smelled like our boat we used to have. My friend Ryan was lounging in the back, watching Finding Nemo. I asked if I could hang out and Stevie, the pastor's wife, was like, "Sure!!!" So I did, although I felt bad for being so lucky to watch a movie! It was great, and afterwards we napped for an hour or two, and I listened to the 3rd LOTR soundtrack. So nice. Then Dave (my pastor) was really tired and had to sleep so Ryan and I transferred to Dave's son's truck and Chris, Dave's son, drove the motor home. I had so much fun with Ryan, and he actually wanted to listen to the soundtrack. Sweet! He reminds me of my brother; he's quiet and all, but he was bein' a goof on the way down. We got to San Elijo, right by Encinitas, really late, and I got to crash in the motor home. The next morning I went to the bathroom and went to look at the ocean. Yes!! Tara and I set up camp and then headed to a surf shop to see about renting a wet suit. They did and I got one, and we went to her house and picked up her surfboards and went back. I wanted someone to ride with to teach me but everyone that knew how had already gone out that morning and were breaking for lunch. My friend Brian went out with me and basically goes,"Paddle and stand up." So I did! It was so fun!!! I am so hooked on it and I am SO going as much as possible this summer. I won't go into detail about the next three days because it would probably bore you, but I LOVE SURFING. I had to be back Wed. night, while everyone else stayed the whole week. Oh well. Next time.
So now I have moved out of employee housing and in with the girls' house from the church. It's so homey and nice.

innocent disinterest

you waved goodbye
with a very nice smile, i might add
and i nodded in response
and turned my head away in innocent disinterest
wondering if waiting for you to come over
would be worth the wait
or if asking you about your day
would be worth the ache
false disinterest on my part
seems to always bring

Hello fools. This a one's gonna be short, maybe, and a short-term replacement for emails because I only have one hour on this friggin computer and I need to finish my homework ASAP. Well, Mammoth is crazy cool. I cry most nights because I am seeing who i really am. okay forget capitalization and punctuation, this keyboard stinks anyways, I live in a really cool apartment with now five other girls, one aussie, one from michigan with a total northern accent, one (my roommate) from New York, and a girl from WA state and a new lesbian girl named sandy. all are very nice partiers. it's so weird. i hang out with aussies every night, my aussie roomie has a boyfriend named mitch. there is another guy named thomo (daniel actually) from austrailia too, who comes over to watch jen aniston on friends. all drink nearly every night. work is from 7:45 in the morning to nearly six at night. my internship has not been coming along great yet because of the holidays, but now it is slowing down and they are promising me more. i work in a sports shop for the mountain, with snowboard and ski and mammoth gear stuff in it. i am learning ticketing and food and other aspects of Canyon lodge, one of the get going places here. it is so beautiful out here. i went to church finally last sun, they have it at night and it is within walking distance of my place. it was beautiful and scary at the same time. the boy/girl ration here is like, 8-1, boys to girls. so it was very strange also to see more guys than girls at church, as well as everywhere else. i have a couple friends at work, a guy named cameron and a girl from new zealand. lots of new zealanders here as well as aussies. i am sorry for not calling everyone or emailing everyone, it is so weird. i am getting used to the cold, and sure enough, i definitely like it way better than being hot. i've gotten to go boarding once since i have been here, but i got some new boots and am getting some bindings, goggles, and new helmet, then i will be all set to ride more and pay my bills with my money instead of for gear. i don't even have a real address here, but if you want to send me something it is:
my name
General Delivery
Mammoth Lakes, CA 93546 and schtuff. oh i was gonna say, i liked the church (called the lighthouse--you like that huh moo?) but i cried so hard because i missed everyone back home and was watching everyone who knew each other talking and stuff, making plans or whatever, and hardly anyone talked to me. all i met was guys and one girl.

i don't know who i am at all, and i know nobody here knows either. only God knows. so I cry out to Him every night, asking him to change me and change my desires. I am learning to admit all my sins and that there are lots i don't know about now that i will/may find out about later and that i am finding out in my time here. i cry because i am lost in a sea of confusion about who i am, in the knowledge of the bad things i am, forgetful of the good things i am, and dying to be in touch and close to Him. He reminds me every day with the mountain air and the moonlit sky and peaks and the sunrise over the valley as i ride the bus or gondola up to work, in the 2 scottish smiles and accents i heard yesterday, in the huge piles of snow sitting out of my window--one thing that is just like i imagined it. i can come to Him only to recieve the forgiveness and love i long for. my friends cannot understand me fully, and they cannot forgive me. it is God i have sinned against, and Jesus who has taken it away with His blood. as mel put it-hey, you have convictions. that is great! that is my prayer for people here that i want to meet God--that the hs convict them, because when it comes down to it, none of my eloquent language or anything will bring them to God if they are not convicted of their sin. i am enjoying being with non-christians, and looking forward to the new christian fellowship i know i can gain at this church. i can't be immersed in the world--in my studies i have been reading about how i do not belong here, and that is why i don't fit it. i don't. almost every day someone asks me why i don't drink. it is so obvious that i don't fit in, that i am different. so my heart longs for fellowship with other believers, but my confessions to God are real and deeply honest. it is refreshing humiliating/humbling, and eye-opening to admit to God what i really truly feel and what i want and what i am thinking. He meets me where i am. so guys, keep me in your prayers and through them send me your love. I miss you with all my heart and long for you, but am assured and affirmed that God sent me here. I have distant memories of who you guys see me as, and think I am, some of which may be accurate and others which i know may be false. but i know your love for me is real and i hold on to that each night as i weep. all my love goes out to you in Christ, who is more real than anything in this world.