I've been listening to Waterdeep this morning, mainly the song, "I'm afraid that I'm not supposed to be like this." It truly says it all. I've been thinkin' about how far I've come, have I really come that far? etc. I don't know. I guess so. I fished out a poem from summer '99, when I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half and the summer before college, meeting Jesus, and all that jazz. I think it shows that I've come a good ways...

Untitled

Why must I carry on
Lost in my song
Sorrow grips me
Moves my lips in misery
Love defied me
Love betrayed me
Saw the truth there that
I didn't wanna see
Did you forget me?

Did I overcome you?
Thought I'd healed inside
Yet the truth is, instead, I died
Thought I'd gotten over it
Thought I could forget you
But you beat me to it
Now I know I never did

Shame covers my heart
Fear controls my dreams
You let go too fast,
Too fast for me, it seems

Did you know I'd rewind,
Go back to our time
Did you believe I loved you
Or that I needed you?
Now I find a new path
That leads to the ocean
of my tears
Cry your name and listen
No one hears
my questions
Can you feel my sorrow?
Can you touch this torch of pain?
Can you love me once more,
Become what I'd live for again?

Nicoustical July 1999

I'm super hungry and sore from the show last night. I went and saw a.ly.awaits, and they were purty cool. I had a lot of fun moshing with Andrew and Wayne, and we all got to yell 'Milkshake!' like a million times. I did somethin' weird to my neck and back, though. After that nonsense I went and watched The Two Towers for the fifth time, and it was amazing, as usual. I think that one of the most amazing parts in the movie is when Treebeard discovers the pillaged forest edge and lets out that deep cry. Oh, man, that part sears into my soul, just cause it's showing how much Saruman stopped caring, how much evil is truly going on. I don't like how they bring Frodo and Sam to Osgiliath in Gondor, cause all that business doesn't happen in the book, like where Frodo goes up and almost gives the ring away? Yeah, not part of the book. Oh well. When the movie was very nearly finished, it stopped and one of the employees was like,"There's a severe thunderstorm goin' on outside right now...I'm sure you've been hearing it." We were all like,"Uh, no!" Finally I think they realized that we didn't want to drive home in it and so therefore, while we waited, we should watch the rest of the movie. Hello?!

"Butt happens."~Bryan at the show

"Andrew is a non-confinist."~Wayne

"Being the one is like being in love~no one can tell you you're in love, you just know it, through and through...balls to bones."~The Oracle

Okay, I'm havin' a hard time makin' up my mind on an apartment to get with Lacy...I've looked around quite a bit and "viewed" two of them, but...nah...I don't think so. What to do? If there were a third person in our brigade, perhaps we could seriously consider a house, which is, nary to say, what I want. Okay, I know that that was probably the complete wrong way to use the word "nary," if that's even how you spell it, but I wanted to use it so there!!! I'm sure my dad will tell me how to spell it, correct usage, etc. Oh yeah, I talked to my mom today, and she got a computer!!! OOOHHH! She's gonna get me a baby blue dress for my sister's wedding, or I might wear her prom dress that's baby blue, totally from 1977, oh yeah, it fits me perfect! How cool would that be? I'm excited for my little sissy, but all this wedding business is freakin' me out too...not in my heart for me really anymore, but just worrying about some couples...that's all I will say for now. My mom got my last letter to her, and in it I told her about the possibility of doing my internship in Scotland...she was so excited and happy for me, and sounded so sure! "Nicholette, it just sounds like what you should do and it sounds completely like you. Go for it!!" Do I need any other encouragement than that? Didn't think so...Scotland, here I come, baby.

I went out on Wed. night with my small group girls and we had such a great time!! We went and got some Andy's and caught a stink-bug for Dana, and then we went back to Wells and talked about storms for a long time, and did some 'freestyle sitting,' which Karissa demonstrated perfectly. He he. It was great. Some other good news...yesterday I found out that my treasured punk girl, Dana, is TOTALLY going to Colorado this summer, and I just don't even know what to say. God is so completely and utterly faithful it's a surprise half the world isn't noticing!! I sure was noticing last night on my walk home from the XA ice cream social...do you realize how many prayers He's answered this semester? It's just mind-boggling!! (come to think of it, I need to get a Boggle game...I love that game! even though it's really LOUD) So yeah, all you silly-heads who don't think God can change lives and do the impossible? Just ask Him. Once. He'll do it.

I have to send out my cover letter and resume to the guy in Scotland today, and do about three trillion kabillion other things. But I just sit here doin' my bloggin' thing. I think my resume looks pretty awesome right now, I revised it, it makes me look so studette-ly. ;) I leave for the lovely country in about 10 days. I also have tickets to see the Matrix ReLoaded on Thursday night with some super duper people...I'm goin' to go get sushi and watch the Two Towers with Kristin this next week as well...Action-packed action, man. Uh.......

"You know, so I can have some gigabytes!"~my mom

"So didja like her?"
"Who?"
"The woman in the red dress!! I designed her....she, uh, well, she doesn't talk much...but if you'd like to meet her, I could set up a much more personalized mellaunion."~Mouse, The Matrix

Doo do doooo....okay, you're in for a much shorter blog. (hold the applause.) I found something yesterday that I decided I wanted to share because it lifted my spirits. It's an email I got from my freshman year small group leader, Rhia.
"Hey girl, I was just thinking about you and wanted you to know that there is something very beautiful about being still and knowing that He is God. Let your anxious soul stop for just a minute, and know he is God. He is in control of your life, He has chosen you first, if you feel Him or not He is still God and still has immense love for you. Take a walk this afternoon if possible! Thank Him for the ways He has blessed you (the Pell Grant is awesome) and just ask Him to help you be still and know He is God--He is in control. Ask God for a strategy, a schedule on how to get going again. Ask Him for the desire and the discipline. I've had to do this over and over again. He is gracious!
Love you,
Rhia"
Isn't that great? I also wanted to share an excerpt from one of my favorite books, "God.com," by James Alexander Langteaux, that I finished re-reading for, uh, lets see, the fourth time today, that really hit home:
"Until now, I have lived like a reactionary. I have not liked televangelists, religion, and most churches where I've been. As much as I think I don't, I still make great distinctions between us and them. I don't act; I react, and I certainly don't revolutionize. But the simple truth is this: Jesus Christ was and is the greatest revolutionary who ever lived. His life and all that He embodied opposed a system that enslaves. He worked for the good of the people, and His life He freely gave.
He is asking us to do the same."
Coo, huh? A bit reminiscent of the Matrix, wouldn't you say? Which I just HAPPEN to be seeing in a week!!!! YES!!! I think I am gonna quote that movie up until it comes out instead of Emperor's New Groove to honor the sequel. he he. So here ya are, some quotes:

"Had I known that she got out of class at the same time I did, I would have eaten her every day this semester!!!"~Kristin at dinner last night

"Yet their strength and their speed are still based in a world that is built on rules. Because of that, they will never be as strong or as fast as you can be."~Morpheus

Okay, watch out--this blog is LONG!!! It might not really interest you. If not, then just wait for the next short one. Otherwise, you might have an enjoyable time reading about my happenings this weekend. Mebbe not. It doesn't matter really....

I just got done with one of the best weekends I've had in a long while, but not too long, cause my life is purty darn fun most of the time. Friday night, I went and saw one of my friends Elizabeth's dance concert, and boy, did she look beautimous. She's been doing ballet since she was little and she had a featured couple dance (pas de deux?) in the middle of a classical ballet piece, and I felt like crying, I was so happy. See, like 2 years ago, she and I worked together at Applebee's and got along really well. We decided to live together on campus and did for a semester. During that time, she had been an Anthropology major but decided that that wasn't for her, and I suggested she be a dance major. We talked about it and she thought about it and changed, even though it meant she'd been in school longer than planned. Well, she's satisfied now and I'm so proud of her. Do I sound like a parent? I love that girl. There was also a piece with Bach, she'd told me earlier, and it turned out to be the first movement of the Brandenburg concerto, which just happens to be my favorite Bach piece to play on the violin!

After the concert, I called up Fufanu and girl_in_well, (Dana and Kristin), to see if they wanted to hang out at Jerod's with me and meet Mandy, who was comin' down. So they came over and waited for me. She was gonna pick me up at 9:45 but still wasn't out front by 10, so KP let me call her on her cell. Mandy had been in the parking lot leaving about, oh, let's see, eight messages on my machine that basically said,"Um, yeah.......yeah." mixed with some 96.5 jams radio (eewww!!) So we headed out and I got to see her engagement ring and we went over and she met Philip-ee and Jerod and Charity were there and we all sat and talked for a while. I felt bad about D and KP but they were cool and put in Edward Scissorhands to watch. Moo and I got hungry so went "out on the town"~drove around listenin' to Veggie Tales remixes. I had told her about my friend Sean, and as we were driving downtown we saw him walkin, so I said hi, and he asked for a ride to Walnut St. (it was like, one block away) and so MOo (bein' the studette she is) was like,"Sure, hop in!" and met my wasted friend Sean and we took him to the Mudhouse lounge. After I introduced her he kept calling me Mandy...it was hilarious. We eventually ate at McD's (bad choice) and went and got D and KP and went home and talked and slept.

Next mornin' she took me to Salina and Mel's to prepare for Mel's shower, and I got to talk to Salina~she's such a wise woman of God, I love her. She's great! I made two cheesecakes and bought chips and salsa and made some Jell-O to make jigglers that said, "Mel and GJ." Salina took me home, then KP and I packed up and bought some food at Dillons, some bread at St. Louis Bread, and picked Dana up. We were gonna go CAMPING!!! So we headed down, following Phil's doofy directions. We got there around 4:15 or so and I got to meet his dad, mom, and sister....they were SO nice! I especially like his dad, who was outgoing and goofy and really friendly. They showed us their flowers they'd been planting and then we went inside the house to prepare the coolers and stuff for food. Wayne, Andrew, and Keith were also campin'. In the kitchen Phil's runnin' around like,"Woah, we got TONS of food..this is gonna be so awesome!" His mom had bought some stuff for us too, and some stuff to make foil packs. YES! So Dana and I cut up some onions, carrots, potatoes and celery for 'em, and put it in the cooler with S'more stuff and other food. MMmmm. We saw the new baby kittens and hung out for a while, then packed up the truck and headed for the site. D and KP rode in the truck cause KP's still injured, and the rest of us walked the trail to the site. I got so....jealous!!! I miss living in the country so much!! I was so at home and at peace and happy, happy, happy! UGH!!!! It was such a great day, temperature and everything, and I kinda walked behind everyone for a while. After jumpin' a little creek we got to the pond and campsite, and soon the truck drove up from the other side and we unloaded and set up our tents. Kristin needed her chair, so Dana and I walked the trail back to the house to get some TP and the chair. We talked about poison ivy and other things, and tried climbin' a tree at the house. We went in and got the TP and I met their oldest son, Barefoot (actually a teddy bear filled with walnut shells that sits between the family pictures, he he, Phil's dad made him sit on my lap and look up and listen at me and stuff) and then we walked back. We all cooked up some dogs and then prepared the foil packs and ate those, then partook in some guitar and worship and silly made-up songs for a while. Eventually we decided that the big field behind us was good to hide in and played some hide and go seek in the dark. Phil's pal Jason came over and whoever was 'It' used the flashlight. I went to hide just in the field. I was just layin in that foot-tall grass, lookin' up at the sky and stars, and I felt so small and felt a Godly fear~it was neat cause it wasn't me bein' scared of animals or aliens or whatever I used to be scared of when being outside in the dark out in the middle of nowhere (I actually felt really comfortable for the most part), but just knowing how little I am and...oh well, I can't explain it, but it was amazing. Then Dana came over and laid on my tummy and we looked up there and whispered and giggled and listened for Keith, who was 'It', looking for us. We got found first, I think, and we helped him look for the others. Back at the site, we decided to play again and I got 'It' by losing paper-rock-scissors to Dana. So I waited and went searchin'. I found Wayne, then I found Jason and he almost killed himself running away, and then Keith. After that, it was a long search for Dana, Andrew, and Phil. Finally, after having some thoughts like,"I'll bet they're at the campsite laughing at me cause I'm out here lookin' for 'em," I yelled out that I needed some hints. KP was like,"Nobody's out there," and my first thought was, "I knew it!" But after I ran back, no one was there but the caught ppl, so they finally decided to tell me when I was warm, hot, cold, etc. So the Dour and Dana were underneath the boys tent, and I went to our tent to find Phil but KP said,"Freezing!" so I finally found him underneath the blanket right in front of her! It was great. Jason then told us a million stories about him and Phil and their other friends; it was hilarious, and after he left, KP went to bed and me, Phil, Dana and Andrew decided we wanted to sleep outside so we set up our sleeping bags (or blankets). But right when we were trying to warm up and fall asleep, it started raining so we ran into our tent and set up, but then we realized there was a sheer hole in the top so Dana and the Dour saved us by setting up a makeshift rainfly. It stopped raining (dang it!~I was gettin' excited) though and eventually we all fell asleep to the sound of the billowing tent. I woke up to go pee at like, 6:30, and the sun was up and it looked so beautiful, and I just sat out there for a while, thinkin'. The rays were comin' out of the clouds and making it look all shiny and stuff. The weather was really Scottish all weekend, but I was nostalgic about my country days. It was nice and blustery all night and so that made the sounds even better, with the grass blowing around--it sounded like the ocean a bit. We woke up at 8:30 and brought the truck back, then came back with Keith's car and loaded the rest of the stuff up and went to church. It was awesome, and I got home and called Moo, so we could go to the shower. I did a sucky job hosting (well, I thought so) and cute Mel got some interesting gifts, and then Moo and I went to David's Bridal to try on my bridesmaid dress she'd picked out earlier. She was like,"I have NEVER seen you in a real dress, so I have to before I get these." She loved it and I was all embarrassed, but it is a beautiful dress. It's apple and not satin and swishy and lovely. I get to look pretty three times this summer now at all those weddings. He he. Well, we went back and the weather was a' brewin'. She and I went to my room and I cleaned up and we talked, then she got to talk to Joel for a while, then the tornado sirens started goin' off. We were dumb and went out of my room, where we were told to go to the 1st floor west wing. Ugh, boy floor. We had to sit down there for like, 45 minutes smelling stinky boys and listenin' to vulgar boy talk. We went back up and played some guitar and she talked to Joel more and then we talked a bunch about silly boy stuff and giggled and she made fun of me and we had such a good time. She left this morning after I went to work.

I'm spent, but I told all that because I want to have it down to remember, and to let all of you know how much you mean to me, seriously. I had such an amazing time, so that my worship Sunday morning was a lot about thanking God for all of you being in my life, for making the world such a beautiful place full of beautiful people like my friends. I fell asleep a million times during the service, but..that's another story :) I will check ya'lls later. Praise God!!!
oh yeah...our Scotland money's almost all in...only 13 more days!!!!