Hey...it's 1:14am, and I just got back from some long hours at work. I checked my email and my pal's websites. I just read Mandy's, and it touched my heart. It is just (well, pretty close) what I have been needing to learn the last 24 hours. See, I'm a passionate person. When I love something, I love it through and through, and passionately. Zealously. And I love love. I think it is an idol of mine at times. I want something that Mandy has, that Mel has, that a lot of my good friends have. But it freakin' takes work. I make up these little plans of how my love life is going to work out, and when something comes in the way of that or threatens to, I get all mussed up and turmoil erupts inside for a few days. I decide to isolate myself from the source of my love, and the person who evokes love within me as well as this unknown misery. I put myself in a tortuous place: alone with my own thoughts. Sure, I pray, ask Jesus to take the thoughts away. But the truth is I want to analyze everything and figure it all out on my own. I'm so scared. I'm scared I won't ever be loved the way I see my friends being loved, the way I want to be loved--the way I love. It just seems impossible. Lately I'm thinkin' this weird rash on my chin and my frizzy hair is definitely going to get in the way of someone loving me like that. My lack of style. I have people around me telling me positive things about myself, uplifting me, but deep down in my heart there's this spot that seems like it will forever be repeating,"Nah...not true. All your intuition is stupid, if you think he likes you you're stupid, and if you think anyone else likes you, that's stupid as well." Maybe this seems to be quite personal information, but if you see me seeming down lately or in the next couple of days, just know it is a thing I go through every couple of months or so when I see that I don't have everything worked out in the love department and have to learn to give more of it to God. Why can't I ever just give it all, all at once, at one time? I hope I can do that this time.