Those of you that understand why I had such an awful day, know and be glad. Those of you that don't really get it...don't fret. You don't know and you don't understand. So don't think about it at all and stop reading this blog right now. I'm serious.

It's 2:05a.m. I should be sleeping, but I am not, and I won't be able to for like, two hours, as usual, so I'm a bloggin'. Today was...insane. My heart hurts. A lot. I realized like, eight million thousand things last night and today...this week. I think I don't wanna blog anymore, or maybe I will just set up a new one and send the address to only a choice few. Yeah. But prally not anything for a long time after this one (especially since I will be in Scotland) just cause I just...can't. I actually had my first emotional car cruise tonight. I went and bought the Radiohead Amnesiac cd after taking my friend Matt home in Wayne's car, and a new Radiohead song came on the radio and made me all Europe-longing and stuff. So I drove over to CD Wherehouse and burst in there and was like,"Hey! Do you guys have the new Radiohead?" "Nope, it comes out in JUNE!!" "AWW, dang it!" and I walked over and found Amnesiac and bought it, recklessly, and then asked the two guys if it was out in Europe yet. "Yes, like, six months before here!" "Yes!!! I'm gonna be in Scotland in four days!" "Whoa!!! Why?" "Missions Trip, for two weeks" "That's awesome man!" Then one of the guys starts writing furiously on a little piece of paper and the other guys like,"He's askin a favor," but he just wanted to clue me in on some cool European bands, one from Sweden too (that got me stoked cause they've got sweet music comin out of that place) and was all hyper with me about Travis and Coldplay and stuff. So that was fun. Then I stuck it in the cd player, filled Wayne's car up, and drove and drove and yelled and shouted at God. I told him how stupid I am, that I don't know how to love the right way, that my head is too small, that I know I will never understand Him but for goodness' sake let me understand You more...and various other things relating to my level of stupidity. Then I came home and cried, remembering things from my past that I shouldn't even be thinking about because God has changed my life but the enemy just stuck them in my head to make me feel like scum and completely undeserving and tried to call Moo and Lacy and Andrew and then Logan and got her and we talked for three hours in Well's basement. Dana and Andrew found me by calling her cell and made sure I was okay, and left silly, wonderful messages on my machine, and then Lacy called as well. I realized I needed to return Wayne's car at like, one, so I went over and Scott took me back and listened and talked to me too. Keith was there for me today as well. I was so blessed by my friends today. My Scotland team went shopping and made dinner together too. But when we started playin' Braveheart I lied and had to go *study* but in actuality, talk to God. I think that there are so many, sooooo many things that I care about that just don't matter, and I tend to overlook the things that truly do. What an idiot! I am amazed by the things I think matter. God give me the grace to see the things that really do. I was thinking about the movie American Beauty, how at the end, he's dead and closing the story, and he says, "...of every day of my stupid, stupid life." And I was thinkin' that my life is just stupid. ?~yeah, the enemy was really gettin' inside of me. If you don't know what's up and you are still reading, stop. Now. You dont' understand. Okay, all that nonsense is just to make sure I don't have a bunch of people coming up to me goin' "Awww, what happened?" who don't even know the situation or understand or even people that think they do and they don't inquiring. Even my sister wouldn't get this so don't feel bad.

Andrew~You are AMAZING. I love your facial expressions, your voice, your tallness, your enveloping hugs, making you laugh, and moshing like an idiot and hurting myself with you. You love uninhibitedly and I adore it.

Dana~Girl, what can I possibly say to describe the ways you have been here for me and understood me, to my utter amazement. I am so blessed. I cherish you.

Logan~OH, man. Our talk tonight was so edifying and refreshing and special and filled me with love and joy. I just love you. Your presence soothes my troubled heart.

Meg~You are amazing and your faith abounds in love. I know I already affirmed you or whatever but who cares, you are just superb. Because you truly care about me and love me like Jesus.

Wayne~you prally don't know what happened, but if you are reading...you have blessed me so much this week. I don't know but like, two people, who would be so thoughtful as to come up with such a blessing as you have this week and go through with it. Talk about being in tune to God's people's needs. I love you man.

Scott~Thanks for being there to listen and understand.

You guys all helped me out today more than you will ever know, and I thank you for that.

"I did it because I believe that that search is over...get some rest, you'll need it."
"For what?"
"Your training."~Morpheus and Neo